By Terry Canaan

October 23, 2008

Describing herself as a “hardcore pro-lifer,” Sarah Palin sat down for an interview with right wing nutjob James Dobson. You can pretty much imagine how that went. Palin, who blows questions posed by elementary school kids, seems only to be able to handle the “why are you so awesome?” or the “why does Barack Obama suck?” questions. She found a sympathetic microphone in Dobson’s studio. Let it not be said that Sarah Palin doesn’t do the God talk as well as anyone, but — to be honest — that’s not extremely hard to do.

Although, even in this interview, she screwed up a little bit, saying that John McCain supports the entire GOP platform — he doesn’t. Then again, the way he reverses position constantly, maybe he does. Who knows? Still, the last time anyone checked, he was against three of the planks:

The platform calls for a constitutional ban on gay marriage, an issue McCain says should be left to individual states. Similarly, the platform seeks a constitutional ban on all abortions; again, McCain supports allowing states to decide the question. McCain supports research using embryonic stem cells, which the platform opposes.

Palin called it a “strong platform” and told Dobson, “They are there, they are solid, we stand on them and, again, I believe that it is the right agenda for the country at this time.”

What the hell, what’s three more flip-flops? Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s right. For all we know, she is. It wouldn’t be the first time McCain had reinvented himself.

Of course, Palin was speaking to the completely brainwashed. The religious right is known for neither their firm grasp on reality nor their skepticism. If you tell them that something’s true, while talking about God enough, they’ll believe it. It’s a small step from convincing people that evolution’s a crock to convincing them that the world is flat. They are the willingly gullible; those who give up their minds to their favorite authority figures, those who suffer from self-inflicted madness. These people will buy anything.

Well, anything except one thing.

In the interview, Palin was asked if being behind in the polls bothered her. “To me, it motivates us, makes us work that much harder,” she said. “And it also strengthens my faith, because I’m going to know, at the end of the day, putting this in God’s hands, that the right thing for America will be done at the end of the day on Nov. 4. So I’m not discouraged at all.”

The one thing these right wing, Bible-brainwashed people won’t believe on November 5th is that God has chosen Barack Obama. No. Freakin’. Way. Palin puts this “in God’s hands,” speaking of His “perfect will,” but if McCain-Palin loses on election night, the religious right won’t get down on their knees and thank the Lord for His perfect selection. Oddly, God’s will is never contrary to their own. They worship their leaders, who in turn worship themselves and project their own ambitions on some crazy-assed, senile old god. God’s perfect will is sometimes imperfect — and then you wind up with a Democrat in the White House.

So it’s not “in God’s hands,” it’s in ours. We the people are the Electoral Gods and the Electoral Gods are displeased. We’ve seen the torture and war and crimes committed by the last president chosen by the perfect god and, Lo, it is not good. We see the world economy in shambles, our international reputation destroyed, and our world warming and we finally wise up. These people aren’t any holier, they aren’t any more just, they’re just crazier.

For a very, very long time, we’ll be able to use Bush as a bad example. Want to privatize Social Security? Well, Bush wanted that, so it must suck. Want to invade a country based on mere suspicion? That’s there’s what you call your “Bush doctrine” — it’s stupid, we have proof. After decades of work, the religious right finally got the exact president they wanted and he was unbelievably blowful. We tried it your way guys… It didn’t work. Now go away.

It may be that the only good thing that the Bush presidency accomplished was that it discredited these fools.

Still, they aren’t going away. Which, I suppose, is almost a good thing. They’re going to get even crazier after November 5th, because the choice of their incredibly weak god was rejected by the Electoral Gods. It’s not really a fair fight, since we have the advantage of being real. They’re going to be meaner, they’re going to be crazier, and they’re going to shriek louder. Which, of course, only makes them look even less attractive. You think the people at McCain rallies are angry mobs now? Just wait until there aren’t any more McCain rallies. “Come join the rabid, foaming, gibbering lunatics!” isn’t all that great a recruiting poster.

The elections aren’t in God’s hands, Sarah. They’re in ours. And that means you’re screwed.

Terry Canaan is a former political fundraiser living and writing in Wisconsin. He published the blog, “Griper Blade.”