COURT JESTERINGS

With h brown

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

I win the lottery

(I wouldn't kid you)

By h. brown

May 17, 2007

This evening when I checked my mailbox, there was a check for $5,040.00 waiting for me. Now, I'd like to say that's not unusual but actually, it is. So, of course, it troubled me. There was no explanation. Just the check itself which did have the notation "for soc sec ins" which, I guess should be explanation enough.

It's clear that this is my first retirement check and it covers the last year during which I've been dueling with the federal government to get my old age pension. And, I have to repay the City for the money they gave me during that period which, according to my math, could be up to $5,908.

That's pretty funny, huh? I get the biggest check of my life and it puts me deeper in debt. And, I guess it could actually cost me my SRO room. And, what's going to happen to my food stamps? Medical care?

The hotel room is from Care not Cash and probably costs the City around $700 a month. They only charge me $211 for it. Since my pension is, I think, $510, that means that if I stay here the City will continue subsidizing me. Just for not so much. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Here's $5,000, how will you spend it?

I could fly to Paris for a week and have a hell of a time. I have friends there I haven't seen in 20 years. I could fly to Vegas for 24 hours of fun and walk back broke.

I could pay first and last on a one-bedroom apartment and get out of the containment zone in which I've lived for much of the last several decades.

I could offer to give the money to Ruby Tourk to get some of the pressure off of the Mayor for having to use only funds from the terminally ill to pay off his mistress.

Wait! If the Mayor can do it…

If the Mayor can spend public money on his ex-mistress, why can't I spend this windfall on my ex-girlfriend? Only difference is that he's paying Ruby with public funds to lay low, and I'd be paying Krissy with public funds to run for Mayor against Gavin!

Shit, I like that. It costs $3,750 to run for Mayor now. I could fund Krissy's filing fee, pay off the principle on a grand I borrowed from a good friend 5 or 6 years back when I was in-between jobs and thought I was still employable (ho, ho). That leaves $290 of which I can repay one of my Ethics fines from my own past runs for supe against Daly, Newsom and Mirkarimi (yeah, I was fined for trying to gain an unethical edge on those guys in campaigns in which I did not spend a dime).

That would be about a hundred bucks to spend on a barrel of beer and a retainer to Gonzalez and Leigh to defend me on the lawsuit certain to come. For spending City funds on an ex-flame. Herrera would sue me to recover the public funds, right? Just like he's suing the Mayor.

I'm gonna go ahead and post this cause I want to watch Rules committee and I haven't blasted you anything for a couple of days.

I'll do a piece later and include last night's 'Progressive Trivia Contest' (redundancy in terms there?). I ragged on lots of folks and got a couple of free double bourbons.

The Rosenthal trial is on at the Federal building til 4:30 p.m. for those of you who want a piece of history to tell your grandkids.

The Police Commission last night was like flowers after a cleansing rain.

Rec and Park told the Sierra Club, and the 282 small boaters it's evicting from the Marina, to go pound sand when they asked for a plan on dry storage.

h. brown is a 62 year-old keeper of sfbulldog.com, an eclectic site featuring a half dozen City Hall denizens. h is a former sailor, firefighter, teacher, nightclub owner, and a hard-living satirical muckraker. Email h at h@ludd.net.

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