COURT JESTERINGS

With h brown

San Francisco mayoral candidate, h. "Court Jester" Brown.
Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

Court Jester reviews mayor's race

By h. brown

August 13, 2007

"I don't like the looks of this, Vern."

"On the bright side."

"We need an exit strategy."

"I'm sure you're exaggerating."

"Are you gonna finish that?"

(thoughts of mayoral race)

We were all gathered at the Temple Bar on Polk. It was Friday and final registration for this year's race for mayor had closed an hour earlier. People offered a variety of opinions and observations as Bob Brigham ferried pitchers of beer over to our row of bunched tables. He was the only one who had any money. The rest of us had either just spent $5,000 each to enter the race or were reporters. Reporters never have any money.

As usual, I was the only one who knew the score. It was 3-1 cause Bonds had just hammered home run number 758 on one of the TV's mounted over the Irish bar. My buddy Daniel Cohen was in from Sonoma and he talked to Brigham about his neighbors' opinions of the Leno vs Migden race. Bob works for Mark Leno. Daniel's a Frenchman so he can't vote but he's nevertheless very very political. He considered Brigham's pitch on the assemblyman's chances, surveyed the raucous crowd of political junkies, looked at the floor, shook his head and went to play the 'Terminator' video game in the corner.

"I got the Jesuit priest half-naked!"

Sarah Phelan was just doing her job. She's a reporter covering the race for Bruce Brugmann over on Potrero Hill and when candidate, George Davis asserted that his entire campaign was about getting San Franciscans naked … she asked him to show her what he had going on. It was a legitimate question. One that I'm certain will be answered on some stage in San Francisco within the next 85 days.

Opinions were split as to whether George was dangerous or just weird. I was inclined to think the former cause I watch lots of Law and Order (Special Victims Unit). I shook my head too and watched Chicken John Rinaldi use eyebrow pencil to draw a 'Chicken John mustache' on Josh Wolf. Luke Thomas took photos as Elaine Santore crawled back and forth under the tables to get to the bathroom and back. We are nothing if not informal. I went over to watch Daniel blow up people on the video game. Eileen Left was watching him already and I addressed her.

Trading places, Josh Wolf gets made up to look like Chicken John Rinaldi

h.: "Well, whadda you think?"

Eileen: (concentrates on machine as she speaks) "Well, I think that Letterman and Leno are gonna love you."

h.: "Why do you say that?"

Eileen: "Well, you have the ex-priest who thinks it's OK to run naked through a playground of children. You have a guy who owns the biggest whorehouse in California (Michael Powers of the 'Power Exchange' - building owned by Jimmy Jinn whose bad investments are sometimes erased by mysterious fires).

h.: "OK, there's definitely a thread of nudity running through this."

Eileen: (glances away from the machine to study me) "Yah think?"

h.: (nods) "Chicken John was a founder of Burning Man and running naked in the desert and having sex is a big part of that."

Eileen: "You got a chicken house and a whorehouse. You got a creepy priest with issues. There's an Armenian flower shop owner (Harold Hoogasian). Then there's the cab driver named 'Grasshopper' who promises to bring Jesus into the matter (Grasshopper Kaplan).

h.: "Uh huh. Actually, his medallion was suspended cause he told an airport fare that he was homeless and running for mayor and she thought he was nuts and started screaming til he let her off at a filling station. Not really the best way to begin a voter drive."

Eileen: "And there's the Chinese opera singer (Wilma Pang) who's mostly famous for wearing hats. Josh is an video journalist/anarchist. You're a drunken pot head. (nods head and takes drink as Daniel wins a replay)"

h.: (laughing) "This could be a whole new reality show."

Eileen: (smiles one of her rare smiles) "It's true. It really could. Every week you follow around the whole group and focus on one. Let all of America vote for who gets to be the next mayor of San Francisco. There are enough normal people to provide shocked looks and counter-point."

h.: "Who's normal?"

Eileen: "Tony Hall is normal. He's a family man with over 30 years of experience in the courts and government. He's much better than Newsom (present mayor) but his message will get lost in all the crowing roosters, sex clubs and Chicken John's car that runs on bullshit."

h.: "I think it actually runs on coffee grounds."

Eileen: (shrugs) "I'm guessing the Probation cop/manager (Lonnie Holmes) who looks like Sonny Liston is normal. I hope so cause I'm guessing he packs iron. Dr. Porter (Ahimsa sumchai Porter) is a registered saint for all her years of work in the ghetto. She's black, she's beautiful and she's committed."

h.: "What you make of Quintin Mecke running? He's 'normal' isn't he?"

Eileen: (looks over to our crowd where 2 young, large-breasted women in lime green matching dresses are giving out free glasses of a new Miller lite beer that really sucks) "Mecke's a dear (he's program director of 'Network Safety Partnership' which tries to work with our ever-retreating police force) but he has no name recognition. Matt Gonzalez's girlfriend was collecting signatures for him. Maybe Gonzo will surface and help him."

h. brown shows off his workout suntan to lime green arm candy girls,
Josh Wolf and Chicken John Rinaldi.

h.: "That's everyone but Billy Bob Whitmer. Any idea who he is?"

Eileen: "No, but would you take anyone seriously who calls themselves 'Billy Bob'?"

h.: (purses lips) "It looks hopeless."

Eileen: (claps Daniel on shoulder as he wins another game) "Actually, every single one of you has a huge advantage over the Mayor."

h.: (surprised) "What would that be?"

Eileen: "You all went to a great deal of trouble to create the person that you are. Years of education. Decades of suffering and persecution. Most of you have suffered from discrimination. Tony survived a smear campaign paid for by the Downtown business interests. You're all very real. Weird, yes … but, real. This is San Francisco and I think the people will celebrate and share in your diversity."

h.: "And, Gavin?"

Eileen: "Gavin's an avatar. He's the creation of a group of billionaires who groom people like him to front for their business interests. He's just an empty suit and the public is starting to get a handle on that."

h.: "Be real here. Who can beat him?"

Eileen: (muses) "Gavin can beat himself and I'd put the odds of him doing just that at around 50-50. He can very easily implode and make all of Donald Fisher and Gordon Getty's money a waste."

h.: "Then what happens?"

Eileen: "Then you get the first black female physician mayor of a major American city. Once Gavin goes down, she's the one with more second place votes and that will settle it."

What you think?

New email address people.

Contact me if you want on my new 'A' list.

h_brown44@yahoo.com

h. brown is a 62 year-old keeper of sfbulldog.com, an eclectic site featuring a half dozen City Hall denizens. h is a former sailor, firefighter, teacher, nightclub owner, and a hard-living satirical muckraker. Email h at h_brown44@yahoo.com.

####

Editor's Note: Views expressed by columnists published on FogCityJournal.com are not necessarily the views or beliefs of Fog City Journal. Fog City Journal supports free speech in all its varied forms and provides a forum for a complete spectrum of viewpoints.