With h brown
San Francisco mayoral candidate, h. "Court Jester" Brown.
Court Jester reviews mayor's race
August 13, 2007
"I don't like the looks of this, Vern."
"On the bright side."
"We need an exit strategy."
"I'm sure you're exaggerating."
"Are you gonna finish that?"
(thoughts of mayoral race)
We were all gathered at the Temple Bar on Polk. It was Friday
and final registration for this year's race for mayor had closed
an hour earlier. People offered a variety of opinions and observations
as Bob Brigham ferried pitchers of beer over to our row of bunched
tables. He was the only one who had any money. The rest of us
had either just spent $5,000 each to enter the race or were reporters.
Reporters never have any money.
As usual, I was the only one who knew the score. It was 3-1
cause Bonds had just hammered home run number 758 on one of the
TV's mounted over the Irish bar. My buddy Daniel Cohen was in
from Sonoma and he talked to Brigham about his neighbors' opinions
of the Leno vs Migden race. Bob works for Mark Leno. Daniel's
a Frenchman so he can't vote but he's nevertheless very very political.
He considered Brigham's pitch on the assemblyman's chances, surveyed
the raucous crowd of political junkies, looked at the floor, shook
his head and went to play the 'Terminator' video game in the corner.
"I got the Jesuit priest half-naked!"
Sarah Phelan was just doing her job. She's a reporter covering
the race for Bruce Brugmann over on Potrero Hill and when candidate,
George Davis asserted that his entire campaign was about getting
San Franciscans naked
she asked him to show her what he
had going on. It was a legitimate question. One that I'm certain
will be answered on some stage in San Francisco within the next
Opinions were split as to whether George was dangerous or just
weird. I was inclined to think the former cause I watch lots of
Law and Order (Special Victims Unit). I shook my head too and
watched Chicken John Rinaldi use eyebrow pencil to draw a 'Chicken
John mustache' on Josh Wolf. Luke Thomas took photos as Elaine
Santore crawled back and forth under the tables to get to the
bathroom and back. We are nothing if not informal. I went over
to watch Daniel blow up people on the video game. Eileen Left
was watching him already and I addressed her.
Trading places, Josh Wolf gets made up to look like Chicken John
h.: "Well, whadda you think?"
Eileen: (concentrates on machine as she speaks) "Well, I
think that Letterman and Leno are gonna love you."
h.: "Why do you say that?"
Eileen: "Well, you have the ex-priest who thinks it's OK
to run naked through a playground of children. You have a guy
who owns the biggest whorehouse in California (Michael Powers
of the 'Power Exchange' - building owned by Jimmy Jinn whose bad
investments are sometimes erased by mysterious fires).
h.: "OK, there's definitely a thread of nudity running through
Eileen: (glances away from the machine to study me) "Yah
h.: (nods) "Chicken John was a founder of Burning Man and
running naked in the desert and having sex is a big part of that."
Eileen: "You got a chicken house and a whorehouse. You got
a creepy priest with issues. There's an Armenian flower shop owner
(Harold Hoogasian). Then there's the cab driver named 'Grasshopper'
who promises to bring Jesus into the matter (Grasshopper Kaplan).
h.: "Uh huh. Actually, his medallion was suspended cause
he told an airport fare that he was homeless and running for mayor
and she thought he was nuts and started screaming til he let her
off at a filling station. Not really the best way to begin a voter
Eileen: "And there's the Chinese opera singer (Wilma Pang)
who's mostly famous for wearing hats. Josh is an video journalist/anarchist.
You're a drunken pot head. (nods head and takes drink as Daniel
wins a replay)"
h.: (laughing) "This could be a whole new reality show."
Eileen: (smiles one of her rare smiles) "It's true. It really
could. Every week you follow around the whole group and focus
on one. Let all of America vote for who gets to be the next mayor
of San Francisco. There are enough normal people to provide shocked
looks and counter-point."
h.: "Who's normal?"
Eileen: "Tony Hall is normal. He's a family man with over
30 years of experience in the courts and government. He's much
better than Newsom (present mayor) but his message will get lost
in all the crowing roosters, sex clubs and Chicken John's car
that runs on bullshit."
h.: "I think it actually runs on coffee grounds."
Eileen: (shrugs) "I'm guessing the Probation cop/manager
(Lonnie Holmes) who looks like Sonny Liston is normal. I hope
so cause I'm guessing he packs iron. Dr. Porter (Ahimsa sumchai
Porter) is a registered saint for all her years of work in the
ghetto. She's black, she's beautiful and she's committed."
h.: "What you make of Quintin Mecke running? He's 'normal'
Eileen: (looks over to our crowd where 2 young, large-breasted
women in lime green matching dresses are giving out free glasses
of a new Miller lite beer that really sucks) "Mecke's a dear
(he's program director of 'Network Safety Partnership' which tries
to work with our ever-retreating police force) but he has no name
recognition. Matt Gonzalez's girlfriend was collecting signatures
for him. Maybe Gonzo will surface and help him."
h. brown shows off his workout suntan to lime green arm candy
Josh Wolf and Chicken John Rinaldi.
h.: "That's everyone but Billy Bob Whitmer. Any idea who
Eileen: "No, but would you take anyone seriously who calls
themselves 'Billy Bob'?"
h.: (purses lips) "It looks hopeless."
Eileen: (claps Daniel on shoulder as he wins another game) "Actually,
every single one of you has a huge advantage over the Mayor."
h.: (surprised) "What would that be?"
Eileen: "You all went to a great deal of trouble to create
the person that you are. Years of education. Decades of suffering
and persecution. Most of you have suffered from discrimination.
Tony survived a smear campaign paid for by the Downtown business
interests. You're all very real. Weird, yes
This is San Francisco and I think the people will celebrate and
share in your diversity."
h.: "And, Gavin?"
Eileen: "Gavin's an avatar. He's the creation of a group
of billionaires who groom people like him to front for their business
interests. He's just an empty suit and the public is starting
to get a handle on that."
h.: "Be real here. Who can beat him?"
Eileen: (muses) "Gavin can beat himself and I'd put the
odds of him doing just that at around 50-50. He can very easily
implode and make all of Donald Fisher and Gordon Getty's money
h.: "Then what happens?"
Eileen: "Then you get the first black female physician mayor
of a major American city. Once Gavin goes down, she's the one
with more second place votes and that will settle it."
What you think?
New email address people.
Contact me if you want
on my new 'A' list.
h. brown is a 62 year-old keeper of sfbulldog.com,
an eclectic site featuring a half dozen City Hall denizens. h
is a former sailor, firefighter, teacher, nightclub owner, and
a hard-living satirical muckraker. Email
h at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Editor's Note: Views expressed by columnists
published on FogCityJournal.com are not necessarily the views or beliefs of
Fog City Journal. Fog City Journal supports free speech in all its varied forms
and provides a forum for a complete spectrum of viewpoints.