The CrackBerry Chronicles

With Elaine Santore

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

By Elaine Santore

July 2, 2007

There will be NO "iPhone Chronicles," bitch!

I am not a Mac person. I finally bought an iPod Shuffle a couple months ago, and I have no plans of upgrading to an actual iPod. The new iPhone will join Harry Potter, expensive jeans, foodies, and Fall Out Boy in my ever-expanding "Don't get it, don't care" file.

…Now say goodbye.

However, it came as no surprise to me that Americans would use the iPhone's release as an opportunity to do what we do best: hustle. The "iGot iPhone" people made a racket as placeholders in line with many receiving a free iPhone t-shirt for their effort. (In turn, most of them will probably sell their iPhones on eBay to make even more money.)

iGot iPhone = iSuck

The iPhone contributes to the demise of (gasp!) face-to-face communication as we know it. Most days, it's entirely plausible for me to interact with my friends through several methods via my CrackBerry: text, email, BlackBerry instant messenger, peer-to-peer PIN messages, and facebook. The actual phone conversations I have with friends have gone from once a day, to once a month, if that. I see them even less.

It's unlikely that I'll be forced to swap my CrackBerry with an iPhone (kicking and screaming) any time soon. The iPhone's features - phone, music, video, and Internet - target the everyday consumer, whereas smart phones like BlackBerries and Trios are primarily used for email.

I check my email before I get out of bed in the morning. My BFF, Aaron, gets publicly chastised for spending more time texting on his CrackBerry at parties than actually socializing. (Of course, Aaron's usually texting me, so to those people, I say: "Maybe y'all should try being more interesting!")

Does this phone also come in Desperate?

Gotta have it iPhone iGeek Shane O'Neil (left) stood in line for 3 hours,
gets an iPhone accessory iSpiel from an Apple iNerd before purchasing his iGadget.

Another otherwise wasted weekend

Sunday morning, I woke up with a quote from h. Brown: "Are you a cop?"

Our usual band of rogues and thieves got together for a party Saturday night. We were hanging out in the kitchen and talking politics, when h. began interrogating the party crashers and random street trash hanging around our table. h. was convinced they were recording our conversation. Most likely, the alleged spies were in the kitchen because they were, you know, hungry. But h. being h., he wouldn't let it go.

At one point, h. tried to physically remove some surfer dude from the kitchen. He gave a dirty-haired Mission hipster chick the third-degree when she told him she was from New Jersey. But when our beloved Court Jester started accusing some scraggly homeless man of being a member of the FBI, I realized it was time to bring in Fog City publisher and master of negotiation, Luke Thomas, to the rescue.

Thomas' next project:

Cold...

Getting warmer...

Warm!

The entire incident reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from "Almost Famous":

"How do I know you're not a cop?!"

"Don't pay attention to him, he only means half of what he says."

"Which half?"

Please feed the parrots

As mentioned in previous columns, nature and I do not get along. Somehow, Luke Thomas tricked me into visiting Ferry Park on Sunday evening to feed the wild parrots while it's still legal. However, I failed to alert Luke about my general phobia of birds in mass quantities. This fear can be traced to Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 film, "The Birds."

Maybe District 3 Supervisor Aaron Peskin has the same phobia? I feel you, Aaron!

Inside, Elaine is terrified.

It's a turf war!

Anyone who actually takes the time out of their day to feed a bunch of parrots should be commended, though. I have no idea why anybody would think a small group of children and eccentric old people feeding parrots would be some sort of threat to the City, but whatev. Maybe I'll ask Homeland Security dude about that next time I'm in City Hall.

The Bird Man. He's obviously a cop.

Clearly a terrorist.

District 4 Supervisor Ed Jew was the only member of the Board to vote 'No' on the ban (though I'm thinking it was a symbolic 'no' to spite Peskin). I encourage any and all thrill-seekers to feed your local parrot population before the ban becomes active on July 11.

CrackBerry Blind Item

Which beloved pundit and conspiracy theorist said the following about Aaron Peskin:

"He'd privatize his own mother if he could."

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