The CrackBerry Chronicles
With Elaine Santore
July 2, 2007
There will be NO "iPhone Chronicles," bitch!
I am not a Mac person. I finally bought an iPod Shuffle a couple
months ago, and I have no plans of upgrading to an actual iPod.
The new iPhone will join Harry Potter, expensive jeans, foodies,
and Fall Out Boy in my ever-expanding "Don't get it, don't
Now say goodbye.
However, it came as no surprise to me that Americans would use
the iPhone's release as an opportunity to do what we do best:
hustle. The "iGot iPhone" people made a racket as placeholders
in line with many receiving a free iPhone t-shirt for their effort.
(In turn, most of them will probably sell their iPhones on eBay
to make even more money.)
iGot iPhone = iSuck
The iPhone contributes to the demise of (gasp!) face-to-face
communication as we know it. Most days, it's entirely plausible
for me to interact with my friends through several methods via
my CrackBerry: text, email, BlackBerry instant messenger, peer-to-peer
PIN messages, and facebook. The actual phone conversations I have
with friends have gone from once a day, to once a month, if that.
I see them even less.
It's unlikely that I'll be forced to swap my CrackBerry with
an iPhone (kicking and screaming) any time soon. The iPhone's
features - phone, music, video, and Internet - target the everyday
consumer, whereas smart phones like BlackBerries and Trios are
primarily used for email.
I check my email before I get out of bed in the morning. My BFF,
Aaron, gets publicly chastised for spending more time texting
on his CrackBerry at parties than actually socializing. (Of course,
Aaron's usually texting me, so to those people, I say: "Maybe
y'all should try being more interesting!")
Does this phone also come in Desperate?
Gotta have it iPhone iGeek Shane O'Neil (left) stood in line for
gets an iPhone accessory iSpiel from an Apple iNerd before purchasing
Another otherwise wasted weekend
Sunday morning, I woke up with a quote from h. Brown: "Are
you a cop?"
Our usual band of rogues and thieves got together for a party
Saturday night. We were hanging out in the kitchen and talking
politics, when h. began interrogating the party crashers and random
street trash hanging around our table. h. was convinced they were
recording our conversation. Most likely, the alleged spies were
in the kitchen because they were, you know, hungry. But h. being
h., he wouldn't let it go.
At one point, h. tried to physically remove some surfer dude
from the kitchen. He gave a dirty-haired Mission hipster chick
the third-degree when she told him she was from New Jersey. But
beloved Court Jester started accusing some scraggly homeless
man of being a member of the FBI, I realized it was time to bring
in Fog City publisher and master of negotiation, Luke Thomas,
to the rescue.
Thomas' next project:
The entire incident reminded me of one of my favorite scenes
from "Almost Famous":
"How do I know you're not a cop?!"
"Don't pay attention to him, he only means half of what
Please feed the parrots
As mentioned in previous columns, nature and I do not get along.
Somehow, Luke Thomas tricked me into visiting Ferry Park on Sunday
evening to feed the wild parrots while it's still legal. However,
I failed to alert Luke about my general phobia of birds in mass
quantities. This fear can be traced to Alfred Hitchcock's 1963
Maybe District 3 Supervisor Aaron Peskin has the same phobia?
I feel you, Aaron!
Inside, Elaine is terrified.
It's a turf war!
Anyone who actually takes the time out of their day to feed a
bunch of parrots should be commended, though. I have no idea why
anybody would think a small group of children and eccentric old
people feeding parrots would be some sort of threat to the City,
but whatev. Maybe I'll ask Homeland Security dude about that next
time I'm in City Hall.
The Bird Man. He's obviously a cop.
Clearly a terrorist.
District 4 Supervisor Ed Jew was the only member of the Board
to vote 'No' on the ban (though I'm thinking it was a symbolic
'no' to spite Peskin). I encourage any and all thrill-seekers
to feed your local parrot population before the ban becomes active
on July 11.
CrackBerry Blind Item
Which beloved pundit and conspiracy theorist said the following
about Aaron Peskin:
"He'd privatize his own mother if he could."