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The CrackBerry Chronicles

With Elaine Santore

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

By Elaine Santore


August 27, 2007

CrackBerry still hearts Perez Hilton

On Friday, celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton (aka Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr.) declared the world's longest reigning revolutionary leader deceased. He wrote:

"Sources reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that U.S. officials will be holding a press conference shortly to announce the death of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro.

"South Florida police organizations are calling in reinforcements before the announcement is made, we're told.

"PerezHilton.com was the first media outlet in the world to break the news of Castro's death. We posted THIS ITEM on it last week!!!!"

An update followed claiming an official announcement would be forthcoming at 4:00 p.m (EST). After 4:00 O'clock came and went, with no official announcement from U.S. officials, Lavandeira issued the following update:

"We stand by our story 100%. Fidel Castro is dead!

"The only way the Cuban government can settle this once and for all, though, is to parade him (alive) around Havana this weekend. No pictures or video! "

Who were Lavandeira's "exclusive sources"? Who knows.

I immediately called my father whose obsession with Fidel Castro spans thirty years.

"Castro's dead," I said.

"What?" he said.

"That's what Perez Hilton is claiming," I said.

Why did I give the rumor any credibility? For one, Lavandeira has a good track record when it comes to celebrity scoops. He was the first to confirm Brangelina were hot and heavy, and he was the first to out Lance Bass.

Do I believe Castro's dead? I can't know for sure but it's quite possible the Cuban government, for a myriad of reasons, are not prepared to announce el Castro es muerto.

As for Lavandeira, no one in their right mind would risk sabotaging their credibility on hopeful speculation from an unreliable source. But until an official announcement confirms the rumor, Lavandeira's credibility will hang precariously in the Cuban sea breeze.

Glaringly absent from Lavandeira's "exclusive" is the date, time and the location of Castro's death.

I love you Perez, but you better have multiple, confirmed sources, girlfriend, or your credibility is toast!

h. Brown's not throwing a "Be-in"

After an entire afternoon of Castro death rumors, yours truly attended the second mayoral debate. Mayoral candidates Josh Wolf, h. Brown, and Fog City Journal editor Luke Thomas sponsored the debate. Candidate Grasshopper Alec Kaplan provided the sound system powered from his taxicab, which also serves as his home.

Mayoral candidate Grasshopper Alec Kaplan
relaxes after the second mayoral debate.

The majority of the mainstream media that attended the first mayoral debate were absent this time around, and there were fewer spectators in attendance. Those spectators who did attend came prepared with campaign signs.

CrackBerry fan and Ahimsa Porter Sumchai supporter, Pat Monk R.N.

City Hall gadfly Douglas Yep proudly endorses mayoral candidate Josh Wolf.

Mayoral candidate Lonnie Holmes, with his sons in tow.

Dysfunctional Progressive Family members: Marc Salomon, Elaine Santore,
and Hope Johnson.

Fog City Journal is for the children: CrackBerry, Hope Johnson,
and Tina Johnson's daughter, Katie.

Freelance journalist Richard Knee moderated the debate.

Next Friday, August 31, Beyond Chron will sponsor the debate. I'm not sure who will be the moderator, but the Beyond Chron boys better bring their A-game. (Even though a good chunk of the City will be in Black Rock, NV, for Burning Man.)

Message to San Francisco's online denizens

Do you:

Think the Mayor sucks?

Think the candidates suck?

Think Fog City Journal sucks?

Think progressives are a bunch of emo windbags?

If so, quit your whining and show up to the debate. Funny signs and/or cute kids/dogs optional.

Who: Candidate's Collaborative

What: Third 2007 Mayoral Debate

When: Friday, August 31, 5 p.m.

Where: Alioto Piazza (across from City Hall)




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