WITH PHILIP WITTE

Photo courtesy Philip Witte

George W. Bush for Commissioner of Baseball

By Philip Witte

October 6, 2006

When President Bush was in Cincinnati to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the Reds' home opener, he granted an interview to a local sportscaster. The President talked baseball with confidence and ease. No mangled syntax or garbled meanings. He knew his subject. Which made me realize: George W. Bush would make an excellent commissioner of major league baseball.

Consider: Mr. Bush can relate to the team owners because he was a part-owner himself, for nearly 10 years, of the Texas Rangers. Had the Rangers been contenders, he might have been so preoccupied with running a successful franchise that he wouldn't have considered running a country.

But the President was not a smart owner. He traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines in a five-player deal. As President, Mr. Bush later admitted he had made a mistake. As commissioner, he might likewise admit that he had made mistakes as President. That Iraq invasion, he might concede, was a bonehead play.

Would the players like their new commissioner? I think so. He has much in common with them. He's worth millions of dollars even though he's had some bad years, he takes six months of vacation, and he's squandered goodwill through arrogant behavior.

General managers, like President Bush's military generals, may need to adjust their attitudes. To keep Commissioner Bush happy, they will all have to report that their teams are winning.

What about us, the fans? Well, the fans don't much follow the commissioner's decisions. While no one's paying attention, Commissioner Bush could mold the game into an institution more to his liking. If he disagreed with an umpire's call, he could simply ignore the ump. He could even replace the umpire, or all the umpires for that matter, with, say, cheerleaders.

No need for drug tests because Commissioner Bush could order spying on all players, and all fans while he was at it.

The World Series could be truly worldwide if Commissioner Bush simply converted all soccer stadiums into baseball stadiums. Athletes from baseball-less countries such as Brazil, Germany, even Iran, could be trained to be real ball players. South Korea got with the program. Can North Korea be far behind?

Other benefits to a Bush-led major league: the first 10,00 fans at every game will be strip searched; drafted players will be sent to Baghdad; umpires must yell "safe at home!" even though we're not; during Mr. Bush's summer vacation, Dick Cheney will be acting commissioner; and losers can appeal to the Supreme Court.

Sure, some anti-American, terrorist sympathizing, old European socialists may resist the forced imposition of our cherished game upon them. But to those freedom-hating critics, George W. Bush will invoke the immortal words he spoke as President: Either you're for us or you're against us.

Phil Witte is a freelance writer, cartoonist and lawyer. His most recent book, What You Don't Know About Turning 60 (Meadowbrook Press/Simon & Schuster), a sequel to his joke book on turning 50, was published in February.

Email Phil at pwitte@netzero.net

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