COURT JESTERINGS

With h brown

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

Court Jester apologizes

By h. brown

December 5, 2006

Progressive mayoral stew includes human remains

Serious politics has always involved cannibalism. So, keep your kids and elderly inside from now until next Fall's filing deadline, lest they end up in the kettle. I myself, tossed in a couple of innocent victims last week in the heat of a 'Hunter-Gatherer' expedition.

Apologies to Nicole Derse and Cat Rauschuber. I'm sorry. Shake it off. Go get fitted for prosthetics. Most of all, don't play around the crocodile pit or stand in front of the bull elephant when he's being hunted.

Don't dilly-dally, Sally

Hey, when it comes to building a viable mayoral candidate, it's simply a lot closer to Dr. Frankenstein's lab than it is to rocket science. And, it's the same on the other side of the San Francisco spectrum. Uh huh. The Mods and the Progs are always looking at one another's candidates and campaigns and copying what they consider to be the other side's best vote-getting features.

Thus, you ended up with Gavin Newsom being portrayed as a kind of Columbia/Stanford Law Review scholar in the last race, and his opponent Matt Gonzalez - who actually was a Columbia/Stanford Law Review scholar - had Gonzalez wearing re-fitted hand-me-down suits from former Mayor Art Agnos. While assuring us that Gavin's dyslexia rendered reading a real problem for him, Eric Jaye had his candidate photographed wearing horn-rimmed glasses and studying thick documents.

And, Gonzalez?

"The last thing a mayor should do is to walk away from someone in mid-sentence."

(Krissy Keefer)

I've been conversing with lots of people lately who'd rather you not know that they're conversing with me. You get lots of that kind of thing when you're a large caliber loose cannon. The Gonzo trait of simply walking away like that has pissed off more people than I can count, and it's definitely an item of debate in the 'stew' of things currently being brought to the front burner.

Why does he do it and what can we do to cover it if he's a candidate in the next race?

"He should cop to a disability, like Gavin did."

(Eileen Left)

Hmmmm... Tourette's? That would allow Gonzo to occasionally scream streams of loud obscenities at anyone, at anytim, and pretend it didn't happen. Augsburg's? I haven't researched that one, but someone said that people so afflicted do exhibit the loss of concentration 'feature'. Hell, we can use this with all of our candidates (thanks for the idea, Gavin). Imagine scenes like this:

"The Mayor recognizes the "mother-fucker" from the Golden Gate Restaurant Association."

(Tourette's)

"The Mayor denies the existence of Nathan Nayman."

(Augsburg's)

OK, OK, this is all fun but, I swear to God, these actual conversations are taking place in back rooms all over town. The Progs really don't have candidate one and there's even a serious discussion as to whether Progs should abandon IRV and concentrate on fielding one strong candidate against Newsom.

The Mods are trying to figure out how to get Newsom to eat raw meat and like it. And, remember who holds the mortgage on his home and businesses. Progs are totally stoked about the organization Chris Daly put together to beat Newsom's shill in the D-6 race but wondering if many of them would desert a Daly bid, to join a late-arriving 'Matt Express'.

As Lincoln said, "It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this." Butt, that's enough for now. I promised this column by 9am and that's in 3 minutes. I just wanted to reassure my readers that the process of the selection of the Prog opposition candidates for next Fall is moving about as you'd expect. And, to ask them to pray. Or, offer sacrifices.

Anything left over? Throw it into the stew.

Do you know why they call it 'Muzzgo stew'? Cause you look in the fridge and you say: "This muzzgo and that muzzgo."

Oh my, oh my.

h. brown is a 62 year-old keeper of sfbulldog.com, an eclectic site featuring a half dozen City Hall denizens. h is a former sailor, firefighter, teacher, nightclub owner, and a hard-living satirical muckraker. Email h at h@ludd.net.

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