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The CrackBerry Chronicles

With Elaine Santore

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

By Elaine Santore


August 3, 2007

Why doesn't Blohan have a blog?

On Wednesday, the always-respectable National Enquirer printed a story from a "former party pal" of Lindsay Lohan, claiming that Linds used to talk smack about her competition while she was high. Among LiLo's targets:

Scarlett Johansson is "ugly, fat and has no talent."

Jessica Simpson "can't sing and is dumb as (bleep)."

Sienna Miller is a "no-talent crackhead."

Keira Knightley is "a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress."

Jessica Biel is a "phony, scheming, joke of an actress."

Lohan, of course, allegedly said of her own talent: "I'm the greatest actress in the world! No one's even close to me right now!"

Why is this news? Is it a crime to think other people suck, and say funny but mean things about them behind their backs while you're wasted? Isn't that the whole point of going out?

If Lindsay did make those comments, she sounds like every twentysomething drunk bitch (male or female) I've ever hung out with. At least she's not posting comments on a blog under names like "Jessucka Simpson," etc. That would be tragic.

Having a rough day, Lindsay? Just dance it out.
Photo courtesy Chris Weeks for WireImage

Of course, most of her comments are no doubt a result of insecurity and jealousy because many of her peers have surpassed her in box office and critical success. You know, the usual reason why anybody disses anyone.

It can't always be a party

After the buzz wore off from Monday night's festivities (because Monday is obvs the new Friday), I completed my column and took my time getting to City Hall for the Board of Supervisors meeting.

I was hoping to run into one-time Enemy of the Week, Andrew Ross of Matier & Ross. During our latest run-in, Andy tried to pretend that he never looked at me "like Pol Pot" in Hererra's office.

For somebody who didn't remember who I was, Andy seemed pretty afraid of me and quickly ran away after trying to delete the photos of himself in Luke Thomas' camera. I'm sure posing with sardonic yet photogenic gossip columnists is one of Andy's fave things to do.

However, in the latest M&R column, Andy referred to Monday's crowd as a "who's who of San Francisco government, politics and media." Can we be BFFs now, Andy?

Here's a secret: I collect enemies like I collect purses. And I have a lot of purses. I make a new enemy/frenemy every week, but I never stay mad at anybody for too long, because there's always somebody more important for me to hate around the corner.

I walked into City Hall, and immediately noticed members of the Nation of Islam guarding the Board Chambers and surrounding rafters. I assumed they came with Minister Christopher Muhammed for the Bay View/Hunters Point Lennar hearing.

Nation of Islam leader, Minister Christopher Muhammed.

Later on, I tried asking one of the men, "So, do you guys always travel together?" but he didn't respond.

Now I'll move on to writing about more pressing matters, like Dr. Rajiv Bhatia's unibrow. It's amazing.

Dr. Rajiv Bhatia held Elaine's attention during the four-hour meeting with his highly impressive unibrow. Omg.

The Board Chambers were packed and I began to feel claustrophobic, so I decided to watch the meeting in Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi's office with Resident Frenchman/FCJ homie, Boris Delepine.

Le Boris Delepine (left), fearless, intelligent, and a legislative genius,
cracks a boyish grin with San Francisco Environment Director Jared Blumenfeld.

Apparently, Mirkarimi's office also serves as Pat Murphy's part-time lunchroom. Murphy likes to eat his lunch near Boris' desk so he can gaze at his latest crush. Murphy looked a little peeved that I was invading his territory. He asked me, "Do you think Boris is cute?" To which I responded, "Um, Boris' wife thinks Luke is cute." The subject of Luke caused Murphy to visibly recoil and quip, "Luke has a nice ass. That's about it."


Watch out, Boris. We all know what happened the last time Murphy got his heart broken by a progressive.

Pat Murphy (left) gazes past his unrequited love, Supervisor Chris Daly,
at a recent Board of Supervisors meeting.

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Which union ubermensch said the following to a Saint Ignatius alumna: "They shoulda never let girls in."




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