The CrackBerry Chronicles
With Elaine Santore
August 3, 2007
Why doesn't Blohan have a blog?
On Wednesday, the always-respectable National Enquirer printed
from a "former party pal" of Lindsay Lohan, claiming
that Linds used to talk smack about her competition while she
was high. Among LiLo's targets:
is "ugly, fat and has no talent."
"can't sing and is dumb as (bleep)."
is a "no-talent crackhead."
is "a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress."
is a "phony, scheming, joke of an actress."
Lohan, of course, allegedly said of her own talent: "I'm
the greatest actress in the world! No one's even close to me right
Why is this news? Is it a crime to think other people suck, and
say funny but mean things about them behind their backs while
you're wasted? Isn't that the whole point of going out?
If Lindsay did make those comments, she sounds like every twentysomething
drunk bitch (male or female) I've ever hung out with. At least
she's not posting comments on a blog under names like "Jessucka
Simpson," etc. That would be tragic.
Having a rough day, Lindsay? Just dance it out.
Photo courtesy Chris Weeks for WireImage
Of course, most of her comments are no doubt a result of insecurity
and jealousy because many of her peers have surpassed her in box
office and critical success. You know, the usual reason why anybody
It can't always be a party
After the buzz wore off from Monday night's festivities (because
Monday is obvs the new Friday), I completed my column and took
my time getting to City Hall for the Board of Supervisors meeting.
I was hoping to run into one-time Enemy of the Week, Andrew Ross
of Matier & Ross. During our latest run-in, Andy tried to
pretend that he never looked at me "like
Pol Pot" in Hererra's office.
For somebody who didn't remember who I was, Andy seemed pretty
afraid of me and quickly ran away after trying to delete the photos
of himself in Luke Thomas' camera. I'm sure posing with sardonic
yet photogenic gossip columnists is one of Andy's fave things
However, in the latest M&R column, Andy referred to Monday's
crowd as a "who's who of San Francisco government, politics
and media." Can we be BFFs now, Andy?
Here's a secret: I collect enemies like I collect purses. And
I have a lot of purses. I make a new enemy/frenemy every week,
but I never stay mad at anybody for too long, because there's
always somebody more important for me to hate around the corner.
I walked into City Hall, and immediately noticed members of the
Nation of Islam guarding the Board Chambers and surrounding rafters.
I assumed they came with Minister Christopher Muhammed for the
Bay View/Hunters Point Lennar hearing.
Nation of Islam leader, Minister Christopher Muhammed.
Later on, I tried asking one of the men, "So, do you guys
always travel together?" but he didn't respond.
Now I'll move on to writing about more pressing matters, like
Dr. Rajiv Bhatia's unibrow. It's amazing.
Dr. Rajiv Bhatia held Elaine's attention during the four-hour
meeting with his highly impressive unibrow. Omg.
The Board Chambers were packed and I began to feel claustrophobic,
so I decided to watch the meeting in Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi's
office with Resident Frenchman/FCJ homie, Boris Delepine.
Le Boris Delepine (left), fearless, intelligent, and a legislative
cracks a boyish grin with San Francisco Environment Director Jared
Apparently, Mirkarimi's office also serves as Pat Murphy's part-time
lunchroom. Murphy likes to eat his lunch near Boris' desk so he
can gaze at his latest crush. Murphy looked a little peeved that
I was invading his territory. He asked me, "Do you think
Boris is cute?" To which I responded, "Um, Boris' wife
thinks Luke is cute." The subject of Luke caused Murphy to
visibly recoil and quip, "Luke has a nice ass. That's about
Watch out, Boris. We all know what happened the last time Murphy
got his heart broken by a progressive.
Pat Murphy (left) gazes past his unrequited love, Supervisor Chris
at a recent Board of Supervisors meeting.
CrackBerry Blind Item
Which union ubermensch said the following to a Saint
Ignatius alumna: "They shoulda never let girls in."