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The CrackBerry Chronicles

With Elaine Santore

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

By Elaine Santore


October 23, 2007

Magical Mystery Tour

I heard church bells ringing as I stepped out to get Bagels on Sunday morning, so I decided that the day was lucky.

Listening to the sound of church bells in the Tenderloin, I almost wanted to go to mass. But I figured the Lord's Day would be best celebrated with mimosas and a trip to San Mateo for the San Mateo County Democratic Party's straw poll to see presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich.

Luke Thomas and I originally planned to take CalTrain to the 650, but mayoral candidate Grasshopper Alec Kaplan volunteered to give us a ride in his taxicab. (Nobody tell Cagney and Lacy!) Kucinich is Grasshopper's political hero.

Mayoral candidate/FCJ car service, Grasshopper Alec Kaplan.

Along the way, we roped Bob Brigham into joining us. As soon as we buckled up, Bob leaned over and whispered, "We're doomed." Bob was there to immortalize the event on film for FCJ. With SF State journalism student Herman Moestue in tow, I rolled into the straw poll fashionably late, with two still photographers and a videographer.

I wandered out of the auditorium looking for the ladies' room, when I ran into Josh Wolf and Len Harrison. (They didn't know what they were doing in the 650, either.) Sadly, they all paid $25 for one vote in a straw poll that involved long lines and a closed bar.

Fortunately, we arrived just in time to watch Congressman Dennis Kucinich take the stage. It's a good thing Kucinich was the only person on stage, and that photographers were nice enough to shoot him from below.

Fog City Journal was sent here to mess with your mind. Get used to it.

D-List moment: Elaine Santore is not used to being in such close proximity
to politicians people have actually heard of.

Not the pose I would've gone with, but it's aight

Divine intervention led FCJ to the 650.

Oh, yeah, and Tom Lantos was there, too.
Did anybody actually vote with straw?

Is it Halloween already missus?

In the end, John Edwards won the straw poll. But Kucinich was the real story. Well, not really. Kucinich's wife Elizabeth was the real story. Elizabeth reminds me of Nicole Kidman before she succumbed to Xenu hu$h money, peroxide, and Botox.

Essex Girl turned Upminster politico wife, Elizabeth Kucinich.

Dennis and Elizabeth Kucinich. (She wore flats. Cute.)

Elizabeth gives her hubby a pinch to remind him he's in heaven.

Cheer up, Bob, you and Elizabeth will always have San Mateo.

After waiting patiently for some face time with Kucinich, Luke, Josh, Len, Bria, and I were finally able to talk to him. When Josh introduced himself, Kucinich immediately gave Josh a hug and mentioned that he'd already met Josh's mom.

We're not groupies: Josh Wolf, Elaine Santore, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich.
Josh brought our crew up to the B-list.

Bria, Josh, CrackBerry and Bob.

Attention San Francisco progressives: are you tired of standing in line to vote, or wasting an entire evening filling out an absentee ballot when you could be watching The Hills? Hold a straw poll! Better yet, charge everybody $25/head to vote in a straw poll.

Banned from Bay Meadows - For-ev-er!

While we were waiting to meet Dennis Kucinich, Grasshopper held a mini concert on the roof of his van. Grasshopper played his usual repertoire of songs, and spent about twenty minutes strumming and shouting, "Stop the war!" He drew small crowds of supporters and several cars honked in approval.

Grasshopper Alec Kaplan serenades sweet suburbia.

However, Grasshopper wasn't content to just singing; he decided to take it up a notch and drop trou, a la George Davis. While belting out a cover of Van Morrison's "Crazy Love," Grasshopper said: "It's hard to stay in tune with your pants down."

Of course, Grasshopper's performance drew the attention of event officials. When they demanded Grasshopper put his clothes back on, Grasshopper said, "I'm a mayoral candidate. I paid a lot of fucking money to take my clothes off."

We're calling the cops on this nutter.

I think you know where this is going…

San Mateo's finest show up to enjoy the Grasshopper experience.

"You want to impeach Newsom?"

We almost made it out of the parking lot without Grasshopper getting arrested. But Grasshopper was thankful for the police officers' hospitality and kindness.

Some choice Grasshopper quotes:

On the female officer who booked him: "She's gonna be the mother of my children. But I'm gonna need a lot of mothers."

On Board President Aaron Peskin: "I do not want Aaron Peskin to be mayor if I get assassinated."

To a writer from the Huffington Post: "Tell Arriana to take her clothes off, too!"

Oh, yeah. And we're all banned from Bay Meadows for life.

Only in San Mateo, kids, only in San Mateo.

Separated at birth

Mayor Gavin Newsom, and Patrick Bateman from American Psycho:

Supervisor Chris Daly has been trying to push this comparison for a while.

Here's our suggestion for Gavin's Halloween Costume:

Quintin Mecke's mom, Dierdre, and Dame Judi Dench:

Candidate Quintin Mecke with mamma Deirdre Quintin
outside Mecke for Mayor campaign headquarters.

Dame Judi Dench

Quintin's campaign manager, Andy Blue, pointed out the uncanny resemblance.

Cecilia Vega and Mirthala Salinas:

Cecilia Vega (center left)

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and Mirthala Salinas.
Photo by Robert Durell for the LA Times

Actually, these chicks don't really look alike. But when I read this paragraph on Robert Solis' SF Bay Area, I had to make the comparison:

"You don't believe me? Check this article in today's Chronicle. Cecilia Varga [sic], a suspected Gabness devotee just slightly less infatuated with her reportorial target than Telemundo's former anchor Mirthala Salinas, writes a piece about Herr Gabermeister roughly reminiscent of an ode to kings."

Robert Solis is the best Bay Area blogger you've never heard of (that is, if you're not a political junkie/blog addict like me). If you're not reading his blog, you're missing out.

To be fair, R.S. is admittedly infatuated with Ruby Rippey-Tourk, on the grounds that she's a hot mess who got a raw deal in the mainstream news media.

Floating a balloon

The "chatterers" are at it again, Gavin. The latest balloon being floated is a 2008 recall.





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