The day I've dreaded for twelve months finally arrived. I guess
I can't be demure about my age because I made the grave mistake
of disclosing that information a long time ago. Since then, it’s
become an issue and I don’t know why.
Over the past year, I've had my age thrown back in my face many
times. (“She thinks she's gonna be twenty-five forever!” “When
I was twenty-five, I thought I knew everything, too.”) Even worse,
I once had an angry reader retractan insult after they
discovered my age saying, "I didn't realize..." Didn't
realize you were an insecure blowhard? I did.
Whatevs, I'd rather have people talking about me than not talking
about me. Hate mail beats being flooded with junk mail offers
for penile implants, which is most of my mail, anyway. True story.
Laguna Beach alum Kristin Cavallari celebrates her twenty-first
birthday at LAX January 5, 2008 in Las Vegas. Please put Kristin
on The Hills because, as Big Brother says, “Unlike Heidi
Montag, Kristin’s breasts are real.” Photo courtesy Chris Weeks for WireImage.com.
Tiffany Pollard aka “New York” with I Love New
York 2winner and fiancé Tailor Made. Hopefully Tailor
Made bought her some nice shit for her birthday,
or we’re looking at I Love New York 3. Photo courtesy Seth Browarnik for WireImage.com.
Here’s to offending even more people in my twenty-fifth year!
Hillary Clinton: I left my
mojo in Des Moines
First off, shout-out to all my people in the Midwest
for getting some political action during the Iowa caucuses. Our
very own Tanene Allison braved the blistering cold
to campaign for presidential candidate Barack
Obama, and I'm obviously jealous.
Other props go to District Attorney and Obama buddy Kamala Harris
for donning jeans and fleece to do some old-fashioned door knocking
in the heartland. Word has it she even bought pizza for Obama's
campaign headquarters just like a normal person. She blended in
so well, Iowans wondered who she was. “Oh, that’s the DA.” Crazy.
Despite my harsh criticism of Kamala in the past, she can pick
up her Hapa Pass at Fog City Journal HQ whenever she wants.
If Barack wins the presidency, will he take Kamala with him to
Washington D.C.? Hmmm…
Negative props go to (you guessed it) Mayor Gavin Newsom. Hillary
made a huge mistake by sendingthe Gavster to stump
for her in rural Iowa. My guess is the people he spoke with had
no idea who he was, and did what all Midwesterners do when they
meet somebody mildly deviant: smile, nod, and be polite.
In terms of the youth vote, about a third of the University of Iowa
student body is Chicago and "Chicago-area" refugees,
which probably helped Obama considerably. Kids will listen
to celebs like Scarlett Johansson and Oprah Winfrey, but will they go to the polls?
According to caucus numbers, old people do not like
Obama. This could be a huge problem because old people love
to vote. Obama needs to make old people love him. Maybe Obama
needs to surround himself with some famous old people. Some suggestions:
Paul Newman, Jack Nicholson and Jane Fonda.
No, scratch Jane Fonda. A lot of old people hate her for the
whole “Hanoi Jane” thing.
New Hampshire should be in the bag for Obama because of Nicole
Derse. If he doesn’t take New Hampshire, it would be embarrassing,
but not as embarrassing as Hillary losing Iowa. She lost face
in front of everyone by finishing third, then tsk-tsked
the whole thing. Whatevs, we all know she poured millions
of dollars into Iowa, and can’t believe her ass lost by that much.
Next, Hillary went on a televised debate in New Hampshire a couple
days later and continued to lose it. The shouting and general
negative attitude was not a good look for her at all. The good
news for Hillary: Chelsea Clinton showed up, and her hair looked
The question remains: if Obama does get the Democratic nomination,
whom will he choose as a running mate? Luke Thomas thinks he’ll
choose presidential candidate John Edwards (always a bridesmaid,
never a bride), but a friend of mine mentioned Dianne Feinstein
as a possibility, and I pretty much lost my lunch.
I will NOT be subjected to DiFi’s ancient, stretched-out St.
John knits for four years. It’s too much for my shallow heart
Birthday Blind Item
Which King of the Kool-Aiders and Newsom fluffer was warned about
his theft of copyright material (from the San Francisco Chronicle,
no less)? The traffic whore also steals copy from the AP, Washington
Post, and other national publications regularly.