Court Jester responds
to Chronicle editorial board questionnaire
Mayoral candidate h. brown
October 3, 2007
Dear Harold Brown:
As part of our endorsement process, we are asking each of the
candidates for mayor to give us your assessment of the issues
facing San Francisco. Four years ago (on Sept. 28, 2003), we offered
our list of "Ten Ways to Improve San Francisco."
As we approach this year's election, our editorial board is revisiting
that list to determine how much progress has been made in each
of the areas we identified - and whether new issues have emerged
as potential priorities. We want to hear what the candidates for
mayor regard as the state of the city and their visions for improving
On behalf of the Chronicle Editorial Board, I would like to
ask you to fill out this two part questionnaire. Please be as
succinct as possible: We intend to post your answers at SFGate.com
for voters to review.
1. Please offer your assessment on the state of the 10 issues
identified in our Sept. 28, 2003 editorial. (You can find it at
Our "Ten Ways" list of 2003 included:
- Streamline the city's government.
Answer: Move all the pretty girls to the front of the room.
Well, that didn't work out too well for Gavin, did it? Now that
he's surrounding himself with ugly women, he's doing much better.
I plan to hire pretty young gay boys and bull dykes. With no distractions
I'll be able to concentrate better.
- Create an ethical climate.
Answer: Always give a receipt for your bribes and keep a copy
for yourself. Don't screw the staff and if you do, never admit
it. Be presidential.
- Care, not politics (homelessness).
Answer: Poor people like to move a lot and sleep under the
stars. The mayor has been successful at keeping about two thousand
of them outdoors by keeping the shelters rude, crude and dangerous.
Keeping them moving should be no problem as there are over 10,000
cops, deputies and security guards in San Francisco. That's enough
to have 5 cops following each homeless person. Make being poor
as miserable an experience as possible and everyone will soon
- Reform the police department.
Answer: With Greg Corrales and Barry Bonds retiring in the
same year, the town doesn't have a heavy hitter for the first
time in almost 30 years. To right this imbalance, the department
should recruit only in weight rooms where steroid use is highest.
- Help our public schools.
Answer: The teachers and staff should be allowed to form gangs
to counter the student gangs. The NRA has pushed a similar proposal
and the idea seems sound. If they know you're packing, discipline
ain't no problem.
- Build more housing.
Answer: Of course. Taller buildings made of something even
more fragile than glass. That's the ticket.
- Expand and enhance our parks.
Answer: Cut down all the big trees so that you can see further.
That's the goal of the Natural Areas Program and it's working
great in the Presidio. With all the non-native Monterey Pines
and 100 year old Cypress wind blocks removed, walking down there
on a windy day is just like being in a Sahara windstorm.
- Pay more attention to detail.
Answer: Is there something of value I haven't already given
to Don Fisher?
- Stop demonizing business.
Answer: You're right. Less talk and more warrants. Confiscation.
One of the best things about greedy rich people is that by nature
of the beast, there aren't many of them.
- Enforce our traffic laws.
Answer: With extreme prejudice, let the Blue Angels strafe
traffic jams, jaywalkers and Lite beer trucks.
2. Please identify any issues that you would include on your
own "Ten Ways to Improve San Francisco" list for 2007
- along with an explanation. I would encourage you to keep your
responses brief, though you are welcome to include links to your
Web site or other references for voters who want more detailed
Answer: Go to www.sfbulldog.com
to see what I really think about our City government and the mayor.
I've written over a thousand columns on those subjects over the
past decade. Our number one problem is that the major local newspapers
are all controlled by plutocrats and corporations. I spend most
of my time online trying to correct the imbalance with my little
Back to Diaz:
Please send me your responses by e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org)
or drop them off at our office (901 Mission Street) by Wednesday,
Oct. 10. Once we receive your response, we will be in contact
to arrange a follow-up interview.
Thanks in advance for your participation. If you have any questions,
don't hesitate to call me at (415) 777-8486
Editorial Page Editor
San Francisco Chronicle
San Francisco Chronicle Editor John Diaz
Answer: And, thank you John and lighten up on the starch.
Too much starch kills baby seals.