The CrackBerry Chronicles

With Elaine Santore

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

By Elaine Santore

September 12, 2007

Gavin dumps everyone

During Monday's department head meeting, Mayor Gavin Newsom asked all commissioners, senior staffers, and department heads to prepare letters of resignation. Apparently Newsom wants to start his next Administration off with a "clean slate" so he can make "a lot of changes."

What kind of changes does Newsom want to make? If he thinks certain City employees/commissioners are incompetent, why doesn't he just fire them outright like any other boss instead of creating unnecessary anxiety for everyone. Seriously, what's going on here?

Newsom's tactic is passive-aggressive at best and I doubt Newsom will accept everybody's resignation letter. Maybe with no real opposition, the mayor thinks this is the best way to prove he's actually capable of (gulp) holding people accountable?

In a perfect world, the following individuals would voluntarily resign:

1. Ken Garcia for being a bitch.

Examiner columnist Ken Garcia

2. Cecilia "I'm too good to talk to lowly 'bloggers'" Vega. (FYI: Fog City isn't a blog.)

Cecilia Vega (right)

3. Matier & Ross - everybody gets fired except for you guys? Wtf!

4. Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier

Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier

5. Supervisor Sophie Maxwell

Supervisor Sophie Maxwell

6. Police Chief Heather Fong

Police Chief Heather Fong

7. Director of Public Health Mitch "Broad Discretion" Katz

Director of Public Health Mitch Katz

8. Housing Authority Executive Director Gregg Fortner

Housing Authority Director Gregg Fortner

9. Amos "the Price is Right" Brown. He'll have plenty of time to show up to public comment at City Hall, and demand extra time because he's a former member of the Board.

Amos "the price is right" Brown

10. MTA Executive Director Nathaniel Ford

MTA Executuve Director Nathaniel Ford (right)

11. Communications Director Nathan Ballard because he keeps running away from Luke Thomas. Who does this bitch think he is, Gavin Newsom? Get over yourself.

Newsom Communications Director Nathan Ballard (right)

12. Pat Murphy for being TRULY LOST.

Pat "Truly lost" Murphy (left)

13. Last, but mos def not least: Ed Jew. Homeslice doesn't even need to write a letter; his ass is so gone!

Newsom's latest move confirms my theory that the resignation is the hottest trend of 2007, and 2008 will be the year of getting fired. (I'm way ahead of my time, as usual.) Even better, all these resignations will be effective January 7, 2008, aka my 25th birthday!

Jew vs. Grasshopper, Part Deux

On Sunday morning, while most of the City was sound asleep, mayoral candidate Grasshopper Alec Kaplan was arrested and received two felony charges for stalking and threatening a state official. The charges came from an incident at Supervisor Ed Jew's Sunsent residence. Kaplan also received two misdemeanor charges for trespassing and using a vehicle for habitation.

Damn. Ed Jew really can't get a break. He finally moves into his district full-time after the city presses charges only to get terrorized by a crazy mayoral candidate that drives a renegade taxi, blocks the driveway, and harasses the neighbors. It's enough to drive a man back to Burlingame.

My favorite quote from Ed? "My wife is just paranoid of the whole thing and my daughter's just wondering why someone is doing this to us." Think about the women and children, Grasshopper! Ed's daughter will be having nightmares about you for the rest of her life. Meanwhile, the Missus is stuck living in the Sunset, yelling, "This shit woulda never happened in Burlingame!"

Kaplan was transferred from county jail to San Francisco General's psych ward. On Tuesday he had a scheduled hearing in front of the Taxicab Commission regarding his revoked medallion. It's really too bad. I would've loved to see the dramz.

In all seriousness, we really do wish Grasshopper the best in his recovery. Hopefully he gets the help he needs to bounce back. The debates won't be the same without you, Grasshopper!

In other Candidates' Collaborative arrest news: rumor has it our favorite Buddhist nudist, George Davis, was arrested Monday for bearing all to God and country but didn't go to the clink. I really can't imagine what Davis did to get arrested. Maybe he was missing his new BFF Grasshopper?

Grasshopper Alec Kaplan with his BFF George Davis

CrackBerry Blind Items

Which "stylist" jailbird continues to show his face at all the chicest parties in town, even though everybody knows he's not on the guest list?

Theft, plagarism and copyright violation: Which geriatric editor has stooped to a new low, cutting and pasting national stories from the Washington Post and other publications without citing a source or paying requisite license fees?

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