The CrackBerry Chronicles
With Elaine Santore
September 12, 2007
Gavin dumps everyone
During Monday's department head meeting, Mayor Gavin Newsom asked
all commissioners, senior staffers, and department heads to prepare
letters of resignation. Apparently Newsom wants to start his next
Administration off with a "clean slate" so he can make
"a lot of changes."
What kind of changes does Newsom want to make? If he thinks certain
City employees/commissioners are incompetent, why doesn't he just
fire them outright like any other boss instead of creating unnecessary
anxiety for everyone. Seriously, what's going on here?
Newsom's tactic is passive-aggressive at best and I doubt Newsom
will accept everybody's resignation letter. Maybe with no real
opposition, the mayor thinks this is the best way to prove he's
actually capable of (gulp) holding people accountable?
In a perfect world, the following individuals would voluntarily
1. Ken Garcia for being a bitch.
Examiner columnist Ken Garcia
2. Cecilia "I'm too good to talk to lowly 'bloggers'"
Vega. (FYI: Fog City isn't a blog.)
Cecilia Vega (right)
3. Matier & Ross - everybody gets fired except for you guys?
4. Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier
Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier
5. Supervisor Sophie Maxwell
Supervisor Sophie Maxwell
6. Police Chief Heather Fong
Police Chief Heather Fong
7. Director of Public Health Mitch "Broad Discretion"
Director of Public Health Mitch Katz
8. Housing Authority Executive Director Gregg Fortner
Housing Authority Director Gregg Fortner
9. Amos "the Price is Right" Brown. He'll have plenty
of time to show up to public comment at City Hall, and demand
extra time because he's a former member of the Board.
Amos "the price is right" Brown
10. MTA Executive Director Nathaniel Ford
MTA Executuve Director Nathaniel Ford (right)
11. Communications Director Nathan Ballard because he keeps running
away from Luke Thomas. Who does this bitch think he is, Gavin
Newsom? Get over yourself.
Newsom Communications Director Nathan Ballard (right)
12. Pat Murphy for being TRULY LOST.
Pat "Truly lost" Murphy (left)
13. Last, but mos def not least: Ed Jew. Homeslice doesn't even
need to write a letter; his ass is so gone!
Newsom's latest move confirms my theory that the resignation
is the hottest trend of 2007, and 2008 will be the year of getting
fired. (I'm way ahead
of my time, as usual.) Even better, all these resignations will
be effective January 7, 2008, aka my 25th birthday!
Jew vs. Grasshopper, Part Deux
On Sunday morning, while most of the City was sound asleep, mayoral
candidate Grasshopper Alec Kaplan was
arrested and received two felony charges for stalking and
threatening a state official. The charges came from an incident
at Supervisor Ed Jew's Sunsent residence. Kaplan also received
two misdemeanor charges for trespassing and using a vehicle for
Damn. Ed Jew really can't get a break. He finally moves into
his district full-time after the city presses charges only to
get terrorized by a crazy mayoral candidate that drives a renegade
taxi, blocks the driveway, and harasses the neighbors. It's enough
to drive a man back to Burlingame.
My favorite quote from Ed? "My wife is just paranoid of
the whole thing and my daughter's just wondering why someone is
doing this to us." Think about the women and children, Grasshopper!
Ed's daughter will be having nightmares about you for the rest
of her life. Meanwhile, the Missus is stuck living in the Sunset,
yelling, "This shit woulda never happened in Burlingame!"
Kaplan was transferred from county jail to San Francisco General's
psych ward. On Tuesday he had a scheduled hearing in front of
the Taxicab Commission regarding his revoked medallion. It's really
too bad. I would've loved to see the dramz.
In all seriousness, we really do wish Grasshopper the best in
his recovery. Hopefully he gets the help he needs to bounce back.
The debates won't be the same without you, Grasshopper!
In other Candidates' Collaborative arrest news: rumor has it
our favorite Buddhist nudist, George Davis, was arrested Monday
for bearing all to God and country but didn't go to the clink.
I really can't imagine what Davis did
to get arrested. Maybe he was missing his new BFF Grasshopper?
Grasshopper Alec Kaplan with his BFF George Davis
CrackBerry Blind Items
Which "stylist" jailbird continues to show his face
at all the chicest parties in town, even though everybody knows
he's not on the guest list?
Theft, plagarism and copyright violation: Which geriatric editor
has stooped to a new low, cutting and pasting national stories
from the Washington Post and other publications without citing
a source or paying requisite license fees?